Chronological Complex Wednesday, Oct 24 2007

So, I think I am going to have to abandon the idea that this blog is going to work on a chronological basis. I simply don’t have the time and there is so much happening so fast for me to get it all down. I get overwhelmed and ignore the thing, which is even worse.

Instead, I’m going to switch over to an idea-centric approach. This seems to be the way I write anyways. But since I’m committing to the idea of posting along the line of ideas, rather than “and then this happened,” I won’t feel like I’m failing to get everything posted.

This should also help with the problem that a lot of people, from what they read here, are going away with the impression that I’m really depressed. For the record, I’m not depressed. Depressed is when you feel bad more than you should. That’s not me.

You see, I’m really hurting.

But something would be definitely wrong if I wasn’t. I see this in some of the advice I get–that if she doesn’t love me like she should, I don’t have any obligation anymore, that I’m being unhealthy or unaccepting by pining away from someone who’s over me, that I should accept her choice and go find someone who will treat me better.

Well, I think the only way to take that advice is to take all the hurt and pain and pretend like just because its wrong it doesn’t matter. Sorry gents, can’t go with you on this one. It hurts precisely because it is wrong, and its wrong because it hurts. That’s the inverse proof of the golden rule guys.

I mean, seriously, this is the single worse act of rejection in my life. Let’s say–theoritacally, because I don’t believe this is in the cards and even if it is I don’t know if I could play the hand–I get married again and then that woman–let’s call her Suzanne (wow, two dashed parentheticals in one sentence [and then a parantheticalled wry observation {okay this has got to stop}])–let’s say Suzanne divorces me, is that going to be as bad as the first time around? No. It will be bad, but as they say: you always remember your first.

I mean, how many other relationships do you have in life where someone stands up in front of everyone who matters to them and takes a vow to stick with you for life? Any employers doing that? Friends? Family didn’t get an option.

You see, I am still under an obligation, because when the pastor asked me to make my vows, he looked at me, and he asked me, and not once did he say “As long as Christina keeps vows too.” Nope, didn’t happen. My vows were just that: my vows. Christina can do what she wants. I’m going to keep mine, because that’s who I choose to be.

Am I crazy? We’ll see… but I’m staking everything on the belief that when I married this woman, God made us one, and that no matter what happens, he won’t abandon us. Because I don’t believe God is trying to screw me over with impossible situations. I believe he is trying to save all of us and show us the true meaning of joy with impossible situations.

So no, my friends, there is nothing else that I will ever experience that will pack more personal rejection. The whole world could have turned its back on me; if Christina would have still held my hand, it would have been fine. I’m hurting. A LOT. But I should be, given the situation. The real question is what am I going to do with that pain? There is no not hurting, there is accepting and acknowledging, or ignoring and being made a puppet.

I can’t control the pain. But I can find the purpose.

I list all the pain and hurt in my life because that’s what I’m using this blog for. To use this situation to get out all the bad stuff I’ve tried my whole life to cover over, and to do it out in the open so it might help others to do the same. So I’m sorry if what I have written has given the wrong impression. I haven’t been able to post everything here, Sadly a lot of what I’ve left out is the good times. For instance, last Saturday was wonderful.

—————-
Now playing: Angels & Airwaves – The Gift
via FoxyTunes

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The many waves that have prevented my course Tuesday, Oct 16 2007

So, here’s a list I made this morning of all the inner fears I can think of that are calling the shots in my life, that have got me where I am. I figure a good way to admit both the truth and lie of them is just to throw them out for the whole world to see. Once the secret is out, it loses its power, right? So here we go.

I am afraid that…

-I am worthless

-I am rejectable

-I am not good enough

-I can’t be good enough

-No matter how hard I try, I will always fail

-I don’t deserve anything I want

-I will make a mistake that will cost me what I love

-I deserve to be punished

-I cannot love

-I will never be loved

-I am meant to be lonely and alone

-I am not really interesting.

-I am irrevocably flawed

-I am incapable of rising to the challenges of my life

-I am a bad friend

-I am detestable and hate-able

-I cannot be trusted

I’ve saved the best for last. I think the number one thing that makes me a controling person is the fear that

I CANNOT DEPEND ON ANYONE and NO-ONE CAN (OR SHOULD) DEPEND ON ME

I write these things, and I know that they are both true and false. In myself, they are true. The evidence is everywhere around me. But in God, they are false. And God is much greater than myself, and thank God for that.

What I do know is that until I admit and embrace the elements of truth, I cannot transcend the lie. I look at this list and consider my life and the two go together like a ring on a finger.

Well, I’m willing to wear a different ring now. I’m ready to admit and accept and then see what life is after that.

It may look awful on the surface, but like the ocean, there’s a lot of peace just below. I’m already a dead man. Corpses can’t drown.

God be with us all on our journey. May He romance your heart and soul.

—————-
Now playing: Chris Tomlin – Enough
via FoxyTunes

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Breakfast Marinade Tuesday, Oct 16 2007

So I tried marinating chicken for the first time last week. Got some Orange Muscat Champagne Vinaigrette from Trader Joe’s and soaked some chicken breasts in it. Turned out pretty good.

The thing is, because I’m working four or five nights a week now, and got class until 10:15pm on Tuesday, I’m really not home to cook dinner. I’ve got breakfast and lunch to play around with.

So today I took the leftover chicken and cut it up and put it into an omelet. I wanted to make a burrito, but the few scraps of tortilla I had looked like ancient parchment. So I sauted some onions, mushrooms and red bell peppers, the last of which were too sweet because they had been around too long, through in the chicken and put the whole thing on some eggs.

So, I didn’t clean the pan in between and I let the eggs cook too long before I scrambled them, so the whole omelet thing turned out to be more of a scramble mash.

But man, the chicken marinade turned out to be perfect for breakfast!

—————-
Now playing: Chris Tomlin – Dance in the River
via FoxyTunes

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Judge not lest ye be judged Thursday, Oct 11 2007

I finally get this verse.

All my life I thought it meant something along the lines of “Whatever standard you apply to others will be applied to you.” That is certainly true, and affirmed elsewhere in the Bible: ith what measure you mete, it shall be meted back to you.”

And that is part of the meaning here, but only part.

I am thoroughly convinced that what this verse is saying is that there is no place for judgment and condemnation in a Christian’s life. Ever.

Judgment rests on impossible conditions. Not necessarily impossible to meet, but impossible to freely meet out of love, impossible to meet without feeling like you earned whatever you receive for your efforts. That is the philosophy of man, regulations of “Do not touch,” “Do not handle” and “do not taste.”

For me to judge is for me to subscribe to the system of merit. But anything short of the freedom of grace is my damnation.

Compassion brings loved ones Home. And gratitude is the doorway to compassion.

An ungrateful Christian is an unprofitable servant.

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Dichotomy unpeeled–this blows my mind. Sunday, Oct 7 2007

I am two people. A dead man and a living one.

I have complete freedom from myself because myself is deserving of nothing–on my own I am as dust.

I have complete freedom in myself because Christ is in me and He is deserving of everything.

These things were revealed while meditating several days ago. I’ve been trying to discern the right path between two unmovable truths:

1. My repeated actions have completely disqualified me from any claim to my marriage to Christina based on my own merits, etc. I made promises and didn’t fulfill them. I habitually broke her trust. I did not honor her as unique and special. As a lifestyle, I sought to control and manipulate my circumstances and therefore her. I ignored her feelings unless they threatened me; then I would approach them as a problem to solve, something to appease so the conflict would go away, rather than someone to love and care for. I demanded authenticity from her life while my own was rife with hypocrisy, demanded she give while I was selfish to such a degree that I couldn’t even see it.

2. I love her, and if I am not pursuing her I am less then who I am. She is God’s embodiment of love to me, and I to her. While I may have warped the way the truth was expressed in our lives and marriage through all the things listed above, that doesn’t change the underlying, certain as the orbit of the stars and the moon, reality that she is my wife, my soulmate, my Beloved. God joined us together in marriage, and we are One.

The confusion comes when deciding what actions to take. How can I act on the second truth when the first is inescapable? These realities both ARE, they exist, yet they have completely opposite velocities. How can their co-existence be reconciled, especially when all I have available is my own limited place in time?

Dana spoke at Mosaic last week. She chose the moment when Moses stepped forward and told God that if He wanted to destroy Israel–who had just blown it with the golden calf–that God was going have to zap Moses first. In fact, he threw more down on the table than just his life–he put his soul at risk.

How does a man do that? I think it’s because Moses knew he was already dead.

I think Moses always remembered that when he had tried his hand at delivering the Israelites from Egypt despite all the learning of a prince all he was able to come up with was violence. Murder. And the Israelites, who were experts in recognizing coercion, called him on it. “Will you strike me dead as you did the Egyptian yesterday?”

I think Moses knew the only reason he was still alive was because of grace. The very law he was delivering to the people said “An eye for an eye, a tooth for tooth.” The punishment for murder was death. Moses had committed this crime. The very fact that he was still breathing at all meant he of all people understood the necessity for love and compassion and mercy rather than judgment.

Does this mean he got off the hook? No. It meant he understood that God had a complete right to do whatever He wanted with Moses life.

Same with me. Ive committed sins that God clearly considers to be capital offenses. It doesn’t matter the sin. What matters is that I’ve blown it. My own life is forfeit. Will I physically die? No. I’ll just keep living this slow death of trying: trying to be loving, trying to be creative, trying to be effective, trying to be a leader, a good son, a good father, a good brother, a good husband.

And I will continue to fail, and to fall. Further and further into a pit of futility. Because all of my trying will be an attempt to deny the truth that will not go away. That I am NOT a good anything. I am not good. I am selfish. I am a thief and a murderer, if not of material goods and lives then of souls and love. On my own, my ultimate contribution is dust and worms, a plague on all people. And the harder I try to deny it, the more I’ll prove it true.

But if I can admit all of these things…

Then I can place this wretched life where it belongs. On a cross. And Christ can come off of His. He hung on his unto death. His work was completed. Now He lives. And unlike me, He lived a life of submission and love. He never sinned against God or man. He created all things and redeemed them. He is worthy of everything. And He lives in me.

When I show someone love, I love Christ. When someone loves me, they love Christ. Therefore, I can reconcile any guilt or feelings of unworthiness I have about receiving anything good in my life because it is really being received through me to Him. True, I don’t deserve it. But deserving and merit and works are appeased by the body hanging on the Hill of the Skull. I live because God lives in me, and whatever good I receive, it comes by mercy, by the understanding that it is right for Him to receive goodness and love and affection and joy through me.

And so I can be free. Both truths are acknowledged. The ways of the universe are appeased. And we may all live in fellowship and joy.

Found this little bit of advice on how to actually put some of this into practice:

“After you find the specific hurt that you’ve been running from, the next step is to do the opposite of fighting it, which is to face it and then embrace it. Allow yourself to feel the hurt of being this way. Cry if you can. Then, while you are feeling this hurt, look over your life and see all the evidence to prove that this is indeed an aspect of you.

Find the evidence to prove that you are worthless, not good enough, not worth loving, a failure or whatever else you’ve been avoiding.

Remember, this isn’t true in reality. This is only true in the realm of thinking and emotion. But in this realm, worthless is very real, and this is the realm where the healing needs to take place. So put yourself in the hurt of feeling this way and look at your life and see all the evidence to prove that you really are this way.

The evidence will be there if you are willing to see it. It has to be. It wouldn’t keep showing up in your life if it wasn’t there. You don’t have to like it. You just have to tell the truth about it. Let it in.

Worthless is part of you. It’s also no big deal. You are also worthy. Worthless and worthy are both aspects of being human. So allow yourself to be human.

Allow yourself to feel all the hurt of being worthless, not good enough, a failure or whatever your issue is. Feel the hurt willingly like a child. Let it come and let it go.

The more you let in the fact that this is an aspect of you, the more impossible it is to run from it. When you can’t run from it, you can’t fight it. When you can’t fight it, the issue loses power and disappears.”

—————-
Now playing: Honey – Force Majeure
via FoxyTunes

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Handling Fear and Pain Sunday, Oct 7 2007

So I’m really taking a look at how much of my life is regulated by fear. How many things am I set on doing that I don’t do? Why? Am I incapable? No. Uninterested? No? What stops me?

Fear.

Of what? I don’t know. Lots of things, I bet.

Number one: Not measuring up.

Here’s an identity I’m trying to leave behind. “He’s so smart and talented. If only he’d finish something.”

I’ve been living with that assessment since kindergarten.

There’s a lot I don’t know. But I know that I don’t need to live under the shadow of failure for the rest of my life. I don’t care if I blow it. I care that I went to the end of the line to make it. I care if I can place fear to my left side and carry on all the same. I care that my life amounts to more than a winding down clock. I want more than just to get by with the least amount of pain possible. Pain is a means to an end, and it will come regardless. How pointless to not achieve that point yet suffer the pain all the same.

If more pain means that I’ll finally get it and knuckle down and deliver, make a reality out of the dreams that God and everyone and myself are hoping for, longing for, dying slowly without, then bring it.

I can take pain.

I can’t handle meaninglessness.

“To have a fear lose its power, you need to do the opposite of resisting. You need to be willing for the fear to happen. You don’t have to like it, and you don’t have to sit around and do nothing. You just have to be willing.

Letting go is strictly a state of mind and is totally separate from your actions. Letting go is what removes the fear and upset so that you can see what action works.

For example, in your heart, be willing to lose your spouse. But in your actions, do everything you can to create an environment where he or she would never want to leave.”

—————-
Now playing: Josh Kelley – Home to Me
via FoxyTunes

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I’ve Found My Guiding Light Friday, Oct 5 2007

I’ve written about my frustration with not having a clear direction to stick to in the midst of the storm that has beset my relationship with my wife, Christina. Well, I think my North Star has finally poked its head out from behind the clouds. I came across this quote online:

“Why is it the party in the wrong always asks the innocent party to adjust themselves? Because that is what addicts do. If you really ‘got it,’ you wouldn’t be asking how to get yet another chance. You would be more concerned with apologizing and making amends for what you have put this person through.

Your outlook is still self-serving, a sign you haven’t defeated your addictions. Focus on yourself and curing your addictions.”

Wow. THAT really pulls the cover off the mystery box.

…coming about to a new heading.

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Blessings of Beauty Friday, Oct 5 2007

The the smell of the cedar chips by the park.

The clouds capping the San Gabriel mountains

My sight of my daughter

and her mother.

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The glass isn’t half anything. It’s empty ’cause I drank it–because that’s what water in a glass is for. Monday, Oct 1 2007

So Saturday night one of the servers and I are talking about school and the conversation rolls around to family. So I wind up telling Daniel that Christina and I are separated right now. He says he’s sorry to hear that and then throws some weight behind the sentiment by offering to buy me a beer after work. Then one of my manager’s gave me an attaboy by buying my dinner.

So I got a friendly slap on the back from the boss in the form of a fantastic yellowtail on Mexican black beans and Spanish rice, and an expression of sympathy over my marital troubles along with a relationship upgrade from co-workers to buddies. Daniel and I got to connect and have some good conversation, and both of us managed to dribble beer because those infernal 32oz looong glasses at Yardhouse get kind of tricky at the end–when you’re taking the last couple of sips you have to tip it way back and wait a couple of seconds before your drink makes the long journey down the flute, and sometimes the liquid will juke to one side where the glass widens at the mouth.

When Christina first moved out back in August, God made Himself clearly present in my life through His people. My best friend Ramsey came and stayed over for a week to give me some much needed company. Through random run-ins with different friends and acquaintances I would find myself surrounded on several occasions with lots of people, someone else kindly bu firmly insisting on picking up the tab.

(As an aside, on several of these occasions an empty chair would somehow have unintentionally migrated to my side. The observation was not lost on me).

Of few of these folks were new to me, some were friends. Most of them were people I knew of and had run into once or had their name come across other conversations several times. The point is that while I was dealing with the aftermath of the most personal and thorough rejection of my life (which isn’t really about me being rejected, but “not about” isn’t the same as “not happening”–pain is pain, my friends), God was letting me know that all of this He still cared for me. I have a community of people who accept me and I accept them and none of us is perfect but we all have a lot to offer and that’s cool.

Now God’s upped the ante by showing me grace and kindness through people beyond the church. For which I am extremely thankful; it helps me to live with gratitude for everything I have. The Lord gives, the Lord takes away… and I believe He gives again.

After all, everyone knows stories are told in three acts.

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Now playing: Bob Seger & the Silver Bullet Band – Old Time Rock & Roll
via FoxyTunes

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