Feedback Tuesday, Jun 10 2008 

Went to Monkey Butler last night. Gabe was giving us personal evaluations, so it was a good chance to get his observations on where I need to develop as a performer.

So funny how improv training is synonymous with life training.

After class I went over to Chris Taylor’s house to see my buddy Nate. Chris is out of town on business, but his girlfriend Jeanne was there. She is an amazing woman, and becomes more amazing to me every time we talk and I learn more of her story. Last night she looks at me and says (with her wonderful French accent), “You’ve changed since the last time I saw you.”

Jeanne’s incredibly perceptive, so that got me to sit up and take notice. “Really? What’s different?”

“When I look into your eyes, there’s confidence. It wasn’t there before. I could see it even when you were outside, coming up to the house.”

Nate echoed the observation. “Oh yeah dude. You’re totally different then you were when I met you.”

I know there are still huge gaps in my life where I’m not confident at all, things where hidden terrors hold me back from moving forward.
But I am coming to accept that I can move forward. I have in other areas, I can in all others. Its the paradox of taking responsibility: you are where you want to be. You brought yourself here, but by the same token you can take yourself somewhere else.

Jeanne and Nate finished their wine, I had a beer. We talked more about adversity and purpose, relationships and vulnerability.

I haven’t achieved total victory over the darkness in my life. But the fact that my friends see the light that has come, the ground that’s been taken; this a great encouragement. I’m totally in love with these two people.

The couch was offered for me to crash on, and I accepted. These days I take every night I don’t come home as an adventurous accomplishment.

Nate’s off to visit family in Indiana for a week and half. Said goodbye and see you soon, then hopped on my bike and rolled down the hill to my place.

Day Tripper Tuesday, Jun 3 2008 

A Metro Day Pass in L.A. is $5. With it you can hop on any city bus or subway and go where it takes you.

Which is what I did Sunday.

Started by getting on the bus here in Pasadena at 9:00am. A transfer in Eagle Rock brought me to Say Cheese restaurant in Silver Lake, where a co-worker of mine works the Sunday Brunch shift. Say Cheese has good coffee, good prices and–what else?–great cheese. Chatted with Nicolai a bit and then, after finishing my Ham and Gruyere croissant at 11:30 got up to go who knows where.

I like to navigate by sense of direction, so I set my feet south on Hyperion Blvd and started walking. Went over a few hills and took in the vistas of Los Feliz, Hollywood, Downtown–the charred patches of Griffith Park from last year’s fire. Walked past the dog parks on Silver Lake Blvd and up the east side of the Reservoir, then down to Glendale Blvd. Saw the Red Lion, where Mark–another co-worker and fellow screenwriter–used to work. They had a big sign saying they serve Bitburger beer, so I think that’s where ‘ll go with my parents next time they’re in town.

Caught a bus into the city. They were shooting a movie called Hotel for Dogs. Whatever.

Stepped into the lobby of the Wilshire Grand to get away from the street noise so I could make a phone call. Turns out there pool gate doesn’t have any sort of lock or keypass on it. So I grabbed a chaise lounge and tried to even out my farmer’s tan.

Had some Thai food at this great little place with a sweet old lady, then went to the Mayan to see if there was any help I could offer with set-up. My meager contribution was carrying a table and a box for Jason, the DJ; we hung out and traded stories for an hour or so. His fiancee used to babysit Adee–they’re getting married in five weeks!

Church was awesome. The speaker, Hank, is an exciting new voice at Mosaic with a fascinating life. At one point he asked if there were any parents in the audience–mine was the only hand that went up. Sort of a little snapshot of my present life and context.

At the end of the message Erwin took the mic for a moment just to let people know that he was indeed present, that Hank wasn’t filling in, but rather “he’s first string.” Erwin’s so good at encouraging and lifting people up. Even though he only said about four sentences, I was tearing up at the genuine respect and affection he was showing his protege. It was a public act that pulled back the curtain a bit on the real beauty of relationships.

Saw a lot of friends: Andy, Ray, Garett, Brady, Skyler. Had a good conversation with Leslie. Met Dany in the lobby beforehand and she was kind enough to sit with me, even though the service was arranged theatre in the round style and I picked a tall table and bar stools right behind the band.

Got a text message from Tyff inviting me over for wine and games at her place in Culver City. Took a little while and a bit of backtracking, but I finally navigated my way down the Blue Line to Staples Center and then along Venice Blvd. A guy on the bus asked to borrow my phone because his was dying and he needed to call someone in Santa Monica. Apparently he was picking up some money but he wasn’t going to get there in time, so they had to figure out a hiding spot where he could retrieve the cash. This is just one of a half dozen fascinating things that happened on the bus that day.

Arrived at Tyff’s to find a game of Taboo in full swing, and that every other guy there was also a spec screenwriter. Lots of fun, cheekiness and consumption of Rice Krispie Treats ensued. I don’t drink wine so I had to make due with the one Coors Light we could excavate from the confusion of the fridge.

The night wound down, people went home. We laid Tyff’s co-worker to rest on the couch to sleep off his one-tequila two-tequila three-tequila floor, then stayed up way too late ourselves talking about God, ourselves, this life inbetween, what you want and what you get. Even dead tired, Tyffany’s and awesome listener. She very kindly let me crash in the living room opposite the hibernating waiter. She kept insisting that the couch pillow wasn’t going to be very comfortable and wouldn’t stop trying to give me another one until I threatened to throw it at her.

The absolute best part about all of this was that I was writing the whole time. If I was on the move I’d just type into my phone, if not I’d write in my notebook. I guess I’m just inspired by being out there and taking everything in.

Woke up at six. Caught the bus back into downtown. Had coffee and a bagel with cream cheese, then took the Red line to the Gold line to the 181 home. Got off the bus at 9:00am.

Best five bucks I ever spent.

Wednesday, Nov 14 2007 

So last week I turned in a ten minute play for my playwriting class. At the time I thought I had just dashed something off to make the deadline. I wasn’t really happy with the draft. We didn’t get to it then, so I actually got to hear it read tonight.

Like gourmet cheese, it seems to have aged well.

I actually enjoyed it. It wasn’t perfect. But the majority opinion was much more favorable then I expected. I thought I would be explaining away a bomb, but it turned out to be a subtle piece with an interesting angle.

The coolest part was a fellow student saying he really wanted to see the finished product performed on stage. That’s cool.

Oh yeah, I actually did good on my Genetics test this morning. Thought for sure I was going to bomb that too.

All in all, good day in school.

—————-
Now playing: The Go-Go’s – Our Lips Are Sealed
via FoxyTunes

The many waves that have prevented my course Tuesday, Oct 16 2007 

So, here’s a list I made this morning of all the inner fears I can think of that are calling the shots in my life, that have got me where I am. I figure a good way to admit both the truth and lie of them is just to throw them out for the whole world to see. Once the secret is out, it loses its power, right? So here we go.

I am afraid that…

-I am worthless

-I am rejectable

-I am not good enough

-I can’t be good enough

-No matter how hard I try, I will always fail

-I don’t deserve anything I want

-I will make a mistake that will cost me what I love

-I deserve to be punished

-I cannot love

-I will never be loved

-I am meant to be lonely and alone

-I am not really interesting.

-I am irrevocably flawed

-I am incapable of rising to the challenges of my life

-I am a bad friend

-I am detestable and hate-able

-I cannot be trusted

I’ve saved the best for last. I think the number one thing that makes me a controling person is the fear that

I CANNOT DEPEND ON ANYONE and NO-ONE CAN (OR SHOULD) DEPEND ON ME

I write these things, and I know that they are both true and false. In myself, they are true. The evidence is everywhere around me. But in God, they are false. And God is much greater than myself, and thank God for that.

What I do know is that until I admit and embrace the elements of truth, I cannot transcend the lie. I look at this list and consider my life and the two go together like a ring on a finger.

Well, I’m willing to wear a different ring now. I’m ready to admit and accept and then see what life is after that.

It may look awful on the surface, but like the ocean, there’s a lot of peace just below. I’m already a dead man. Corpses can’t drown.

God be with us all on our journey. May He romance your heart and soul.

—————-
Now playing: Chris Tomlin – Enough
via FoxyTunes

I’ve Found My Guiding Light Friday, Oct 5 2007 

I’ve written about my frustration with not having a clear direction to stick to in the midst of the storm that has beset my relationship with my wife, Christina. Well, I think my North Star has finally poked its head out from behind the clouds. I came across this quote online:

“Why is it the party in the wrong always asks the innocent party to adjust themselves? Because that is what addicts do. If you really ‘got it,’ you wouldn’t be asking how to get yet another chance. You would be more concerned with apologizing and making amends for what you have put this person through.

Your outlook is still self-serving, a sign you haven’t defeated your addictions. Focus on yourself and curing your addictions.”

Wow. THAT really pulls the cover off the mystery box.

…coming about to a new heading.

That’s how I roll. Thursday, Sep 27 2007 

Sleep has just been upgraded to a luxury, which means I’ll have to get by without it.

I’m just getting squeezed in too many ways.

My coming financial aide isn’t, and I just found out yesterday might not ever.

I’m getting smoked by deadlines in Biology and Business Algebra.

I’m watching Adee or working most of the rest of the time.

I’ve got overages on my cell phone for the first time ever, and they are hefty.

Guerrilla Theatre is still in the starting gate, and the school club deadlines are slipping by too.

So get ready for insomniac Remy… assuming I have the willpower for it.

Coffee Freak

Course I do. I can’t NOT have it, so I have it.
—————-
Now playing: Delirious? – All the Way
via FoxyTunes