The Crack in the Floor Sunday, Aug 16 2009

The last couple of days were rough. It feels silly and stupid to write that in the past tense — the roughness only stopped about ten minutes ago when I left my bed and logged on. I didn’t expect that to make me feel better, but for some reason giving up on sleep and listening to some woe-is-us break-up music has soothed me.

Resentment and I have been slugging it out, toe-to-toe, and it’s been to the gym since the last time we squared off.

I know it’s no good, these thoughts of blame and anger directed at someone else. It’s chewing over rotten meat — all you’re left with is mold on your tongue. But it’s such a challenge to escape.

I try to keep an even keel. I remind myself of my own one-sidedness, recall my own persistant failure to love. I acknowledge that the way I feel now that we are no longer together must be very similar to they way my wife often felt while we were. I admit to all the time I was given to change and make better choices, choices that considered someone else’s feelings over my own. Now I don’t have that time anymore. Now it’s my feelings left in the dark.

It’s only fair.

But that doesn’t make it right.

And there’s the crack in the floor I fall into. Because whatever fed into it, the ripping apart of two people joined by vows is a betrayal. The fact that my daughter doesn’t live with me anymore, she visits; soap gets in her eyes during her bath and she cries for mommy — the simplest, most natural request of a child — and I have to tell her she’ll see mommy tomorrow, because mommy’s somewhere else.

You feel powerless and it’s natural to point fingers at someone else.

But that’s the lie. I feel powerless. But that’s only how I feel. And I’m learning to perceive through the illusion.

Anger is a threat response. Someone cuts you off on the freeway, you feel endangered, you yell in your car. Doesn’t make you any safer.

I’ve been wrestling with resentment and anger and bitterness. Somehow, tonight during the walk from my bedroom to the office, I stepped out of the ring. Somehow my soul recognized that everything that upsets me is a lie. And a lie only has power over you if you engage it. Fight or give in, you are subject to it either way. You win by not fighting.

So I didn’t come through as a husband. I’m a better man today then I was yesterday.

So I was betrayed. That’s a result of someone else’s choice to believe a lie. I don’t have to believe it too.

So my daughter got soap in her eyes. We rinsed it out. She went to sleep. In the morning she’ll wake up and see her mommy.

And that’s something to be grateful for.

“We are continually faced with a series of great opportunities brilliantly disguised as insoluble problems.”
- John W. Gardner

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Consuming Friday, Jul 31 2009

Decided to meditate today.

Went in my room, shut the door, closed my eyes and tried to focus on my breathing.

Sitting wasn’t really comfortable, so I cleared off the bedding and laid flat on my back, no pillow, hands rising and falling over my stomach.

Ah yes… my stomach. That tricky little bag of complaints. It wants, it gets, it wants again.

I could complain… but not without giving license to myopia. Its hard for me to eat enough. Eating effects my energy level and mood and stuff, but as far as my body is concerned, “weight gain” might as well be a foreign phrase in a pocket guide book.

No, I’m thinking about my stomach because it’s the only part of me that is moving. It’s drawn my attention, and I’m hungry because I haven’t had lunch yet, but I set the alarm on my blackberry for 4:30pm. Half an hour of meditation during which I don’t have to check the clock because the clock will let me know when to stop.

Up and down. Breathing. Relaxing.

Maybe.

Thinking about appetites. The stomach’s obvious, but there’s more than one bellicose empty space in my body. I’m covered and surrounded by them. There isn’t an inch of me that doesn’t clamor for attention.

“…in an information-rich world, the wealth of information means a dearth of something else: a scarcity of whatever it is that information consumes. What information consumes is rather obvious: it consumes the attention of its recipients. Hence a wealth of information creates a poverty of attention and a need to allocate that attention efficiently among the overabundance of information sources that might consume it” –Herbert Simon, “Designing Organizations for an Information-Rich World”,p. 40-41 (1971).

My hands, my feet, my mind, my heart — they’re all telling me they have space to fill.

They want to build, to go, to grasp, to know.

There’s a choir of concave hollows, singing, sometimes howling for the convex contentment that had been their earlier blessing.

But it was for the fulfillment of appetite that the pleasures of the Garden were lost. As it was in the days of our fathers, so it is now — even in this age.

Simon spoke of attention as commodity. As I lie on my bed, eyes closed, ears open to all these damned pressing needs (there are none, not needs, not really — but I can hear them nonetheless), I know the economy is in shambles.

Throw a dart at a map of Africa, and you will find the state of affairs in my body. Oh, we’re a republic in name, to be sure — on good terms with the West and its NGO’s and charities and chartered institutions. We wouldn’t get by without the daily influx of foreign aid. But the hospitals are staffed with one doctor per ten thousand residents, infrastructure is a nightmare of intermittent services and milk-skimming dairy hands, and for want of employment, the streets abound with young men with guns. Young men who do not always agree.

My body is a bundle of cravings. Satisfying one means denying another.

“Do you consume so that you may produce? Or do you consume in search of satisfaction?”

Well there’s a thought I’ve never quite heard before — not that succinctly.

I know the answer. Why the inmates run the asylum. Or maybe it’s the old folks who have taken over the nursing home, popping all the pills they want. Sending there hearts into overdrive and tripping on colors and four hour erections.

Jesus and the fig tree — a tree draws nutrients from the soil its rooted in and the sun that shines on it and the water that comes to it, all so it can produce fruit. We’re no different. No fruit on this tree; Jesus curses it. It withers, releasing its components to be reclaimed for productive use.

Why would a tree fail to produce fruit? Couldn’t have been healthy. Like those corrupt third world fiefdoms. Like me. I can feel the pressure in my head — anxiety. Every message I’ve ever internalized, the light and the darkness in conflict. You’re everything; you’re nothing. You’re only worthy of contempt, sometimes not even that: only indifference. You’re loved; it’s a lie. You’ve been given so much; you’ve given so little. You’re a whore and a thief. You’re a saint — pure.

I think about what I want. Not my appetites. This is passion. Desire for wholeness. I ask for it. My body strains after it, physically. It’s not relaxation — it’s yearning.

The mob settles down. The Blue Helmets arrive. Oh, the country’s still a mess, sure. But the urban fighting stops. No more automatic weapons fire at midnight. There’s going to be an audit. Money will go where it was intended.

The blackberry goes off, and I sit up. Centered.

Time to eat.

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Feedback Tuesday, Jun 10 2008

Went to Monkey Butler last night. Gabe was giving us personal evaluations, so it was a good chance to get his observations on where I need to develop as a performer.

So funny how improv training is synonymous with life training.

After class I went over to Chris Taylor’s house to see my buddy Nate. Chris is out of town on business, but his girlfriend Jeanne was there. She is an amazing woman, and becomes more amazing to me every time we talk and I learn more of her story. Last night she looks at me and says (with her wonderful French accent), “You’ve changed since the last time I saw you.”

Jeanne’s incredibly perceptive, so that got me to sit up and take notice. “Really? What’s different?”

“When I look into your eyes, there’s confidence. It wasn’t there before. I could see it even when you were outside, coming up to the house.”

Nate echoed the observation. “Oh yeah dude. You’re totally different then you were when I met you.”

I know there are still huge gaps in my life where I’m not confident at all, things where hidden terrors hold me back from moving forward.
But I am coming to accept that I can move forward. I have in other areas, I can in all others. Its the paradox of taking responsibility: you are where you want to be. You brought yourself here, but by the same token you can take yourself somewhere else.

Jeanne and Nate finished their wine, I had a beer. We talked more about adversity and purpose, relationships and vulnerability.

I haven’t achieved total victory over the darkness in my life. But the fact that my friends see the light that has come, the ground that’s been taken; this a great encouragement. I’m totally in love with these two people.

The couch was offered for me to crash on, and I accepted. These days I take every night I don’t come home as an adventurous accomplishment.

Nate’s off to visit family in Indiana for a week and half. Said goodbye and see you soon, then hopped on my bike and rolled down the hill to my place.

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Living water rather than salt water. Thursday, Nov 1 2007

 I have this metaphor for giving in to temptation. I call it drinking sea water. People stranded at sea without freshwater sometimes become so thirsty that they drink the seawater around them. The result is that the salt dehydrates their bodies further, and causes delirium. So even though you are drinking something, it actually makes you thirstier, and crazy. And the more you drink the worse it gets.

That’s my experience with temptation. Whenever I’ve lost my temper, lusted after women with my eyes and mind, indulged in procrastination and laziness, or done whatever else I knew I shouldn’t do but wanted to do anyways, that’s always been the result. I’ve just wanted more, not less, of whatever I was sinning with, I lost all peace and connection with God, and I quite literally lose my right mind.

So why do I do it? Because I AM thirsty! My heart and soul want fulfillment, and they don’t have it. So they crave substitutes.

This week has been really cool, because I’ve been blessed to experience several times God providing me with what is Real.  I’ve felt  The Thirst, and I’m learning to listen to my craving and seek His Living Water.

I find it in Beauty

I find it in Worship

I find it in Gratitude

I find it in Acceptance, Forgiveness and Compassion. For myself and for others.

Tuesday I looked out at my porch and realized the tree in my planter was singing to its Creator. And I joined its song. As  I write this, the trees and the rocks and the grass and all the rest of creation- they groan with us, but they also praise.

Who’d have thought that the plants outside and the sky were setting an example for me to follow?
—————-
Now playing: Chris Tomlin – Enough
via FoxyTunes

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Chronological Complex Wednesday, Oct 24 2007

So, I think I am going to have to abandon the idea that this blog is going to work on a chronological basis. I simply don’t have the time and there is so much happening so fast for me to get it all down. I get overwhelmed and ignore the thing, which is even worse.

Instead, I’m going to switch over to an idea-centric approach. This seems to be the way I write anyways. But since I’m committing to the idea of posting along the line of ideas, rather than “and then this happened,” I won’t feel like I’m failing to get everything posted.

This should also help with the problem that a lot of people, from what they read here, are going away with the impression that I’m really depressed. For the record, I’m not depressed. Depressed is when you feel bad more than you should. That’s not me.

You see, I’m really hurting.

But something would be definitely wrong if I wasn’t. I see this in some of the advice I get–that if she doesn’t love me like she should, I don’t have any obligation anymore, that I’m being unhealthy or unaccepting by pining away from someone who’s over me, that I should accept her choice and go find someone who will treat me better.

Well, I think the only way to take that advice is to take all the hurt and pain and pretend like just because its wrong it doesn’t matter. Sorry gents, can’t go with you on this one. It hurts precisely because it is wrong, and its wrong because it hurts. That’s the inverse proof of the golden rule guys.

I mean, seriously, this is the single worse act of rejection in my life. Let’s say–theoritacally, because I don’t believe this is in the cards and even if it is I don’t know if I could play the hand–I get married again and then that woman–let’s call her Suzanne (wow, two dashed parentheticals in one sentence [and then a parantheticalled wry observation {okay this has got to stop}])–let’s say Suzanne divorces me, is that going to be as bad as the first time around? No. It will be bad, but as they say: you always remember your first.

I mean, how many other relationships do you have in life where someone stands up in front of everyone who matters to them and takes a vow to stick with you for life? Any employers doing that? Friends? Family didn’t get an option.

You see, I am still under an obligation, because when the pastor asked me to make my vows, he looked at me, and he asked me, and not once did he say “As long as Christina keeps vows too.” Nope, didn’t happen. My vows were just that: my vows. Christina can do what she wants. I’m going to keep mine, because that’s who I choose to be.

Am I crazy? We’ll see… but I’m staking everything on the belief that when I married this woman, God made us one, and that no matter what happens, he won’t abandon us. Because I don’t believe God is trying to screw me over with impossible situations. I believe he is trying to save all of us and show us the true meaning of joy with impossible situations.

So no, my friends, there is nothing else that I will ever experience that will pack more personal rejection. The whole world could have turned its back on me; if Christina would have still held my hand, it would have been fine. I’m hurting. A LOT. But I should be, given the situation. The real question is what am I going to do with that pain? There is no not hurting, there is accepting and acknowledging, or ignoring and being made a puppet.

I can’t control the pain. But I can find the purpose.

I list all the pain and hurt in my life because that’s what I’m using this blog for. To use this situation to get out all the bad stuff I’ve tried my whole life to cover over, and to do it out in the open so it might help others to do the same. So I’m sorry if what I have written has given the wrong impression. I haven’t been able to post everything here, Sadly a lot of what I’ve left out is the good times. For instance, last Saturday was wonderful.

—————-
Now playing: Angels & Airwaves – The Gift
via FoxyTunes

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Handling Fear and Pain Sunday, Oct 7 2007

So I’m really taking a look at how much of my life is regulated by fear. How many things am I set on doing that I don’t do? Why? Am I incapable? No. Uninterested? No? What stops me?

Fear.

Of what? I don’t know. Lots of things, I bet.

Number one: Not measuring up.

Here’s an identity I’m trying to leave behind. “He’s so smart and talented. If only he’d finish something.”

I’ve been living with that assessment since kindergarten.

There’s a lot I don’t know. But I know that I don’t need to live under the shadow of failure for the rest of my life. I don’t care if I blow it. I care that I went to the end of the line to make it. I care if I can place fear to my left side and carry on all the same. I care that my life amounts to more than a winding down clock. I want more than just to get by with the least amount of pain possible. Pain is a means to an end, and it will come regardless. How pointless to not achieve that point yet suffer the pain all the same.

If more pain means that I’ll finally get it and knuckle down and deliver, make a reality out of the dreams that God and everyone and myself are hoping for, longing for, dying slowly without, then bring it.

I can take pain.

I can’t handle meaninglessness.

“To have a fear lose its power, you need to do the opposite of resisting. You need to be willing for the fear to happen. You don’t have to like it, and you don’t have to sit around and do nothing. You just have to be willing.

Letting go is strictly a state of mind and is totally separate from your actions. Letting go is what removes the fear and upset so that you can see what action works.

For example, in your heart, be willing to lose your spouse. But in your actions, do everything you can to create an environment where he or she would never want to leave.”

—————-
Now playing: Josh Kelley – Home to Me
via FoxyTunes

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Just One Star to Navigate By Wednesday, Sep 26 2007

Thank God I have Him at all.

There is so much going on right now. Some of it is very good. Some of it is very bad. But it all adds up to a lot and I’m just trying to keep up.

I’m working now, and that’s going good. I’m going to push for them to move me up to server. It will be a stretch for me as a person. There’s a part of me that wants to stay a host because learning to be a server is a whole other ball game and I don’t know that I can swing it. Which is why I want to do it and knock the teeth out of that part of me. Perfect love casts out all fear.

I need the money I’d get from serving, now more than ever. I just found a letter from school saying my financial aid has been suspended. This is especially bad because I’m already behind on the rent. I was counting on my financial aid check. Now I’m not going to get it for at least two weeks, if at all. It depends on how my appeal goes to have it reinstated.

My writing is going very well. I have fifteen pages of my screenplay done. That means I’m 1/16th of the way to a finished draft. And my best friend Ramsey just got signed to a management group, so that’s really encouraging to hear he just got a greenlight in his acting career. He’s been persevering for years and years, so I hope some solid work comes out of this and soon.

Monday was a really good day with Christina. I love her so much. Anything good with her is mountain air for my heart and soul.

I’m trying so hard–so hard–to just give my life over to God’s direction. But I’m having such difficulty discerning His voice. I know this financial aid situation is a test of faith. The timing was so conspicuous.

Here’s what I know:

I am supposed to write.

I am to be patient and let Him work.

I am to trust in Him to provide.

I am to fulfill all of my obligations to the best of my ability.

I am to worship and praise Him and seek His rest in the midst of my strivings.

Only two out of five of these things are clear to me: the writing and the worship. The other three, I don’t know quite how to go about. Sometimes I have ideas, but I wonder if I should pursue them or not. Sometimes I can’t think of a thing. There are other things, especially concerning Christina,

where I JUST DON’T KNOW WHAT THE HELL I AM DOING. I know my life is a journey, that I won’t become who I want to be in a day.

I just want to be who I am supposed to be on this day.

I’m at sea, the water is glassy smooth, the sun is hidden by the clouds, the GPS went overboard weeks ago, and I am just desperate for some kind of marker so I can set a course.

I know You are out there. I can feel you lifting my despair when it encroaches.

But what am I to do?

—————-
Now playing: Moi – You Said
via FoxyTunes

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Morning Run Friday, Sep 21 2007

Went running today. Managed to run about three and half miles.
Here’s a map of my route
I love running now. It’s kind of the first thing I’ve been able to stick too until it isn’t hard to do anymore. It’s challenging, but I really enjoy it. I find myself excited when I’m going to bed the night before. I’d like to get everything about my life to be like that.
The best part is going another block past my apartment. I’ve already run three miles, and if I just turn aside, I’ll be done. But I want to complete the whole box of the route, so I push on and run around an extra two blocks. It gives my willpower a good shot in the arm to know that I can do that, to know it because I DID do it.

—————-
Now playing: Third Eye Blind – Camouflage
via FoxyTunes

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The Air I Love Thursday, Sep 20 2007

Weather was beautiful today.

It’s been pleasant in Pasadena the last few days, but today the temperature dropped ten degrees and every breath of air had that crisp winter mountain taste. I love it.
The mountains themselves were popping out of the northern view.

I live in such a beautiful land–and I get to walk around campus and drink it all in.

—————-
Now playing: Adam Dachis – Final Fantasy 6 Little Painter Girl OC ReMix
via FoxyTunes

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