Memes and Me — Experimenting with Validity Friday, Sep 4 2009

Discovering the hidden power of STFU & GTFO.

Chances are pretty good you encountered the health care meme bouncing around the Internet. Here’s the first I saw of it yesterday on Facebook:

“So-and-so believes that no one should die because they cannot afford health care, and nobody should go broke because they get sick. If you agree, please post this as your status for the rest of the day.”

I did not react positively to this. My inner-teenager resents being told what to do. Flipping his hair out of his face, he points out the moral extortion swimming along just beneath the smooth surface of the post: if you DON’T surrender your Facebook status and help spread the word, well then… I guess now we all know who thinks poor Americans SHOULD die and sick Americans SHOULD go broke.

You uncaring monster.

Being young and so-so-sensitive, Emo-Jung wants to call someone a monster back. He puts me to work on a really biting status update, letting everyone know how morally inferior they are for alluding to everyone else’s moral inferiority. Then I remember that teenagers, no matter how bright and right they can be, still need guidance. So I tell him “No. We’re not gonna do that.” He glowers, flips his hair out of his face AGAIN (why don’t you just get it cut?) and wants to know what we ARE going to do. He’s daring me to ignore it. Smirking.

I can, but I won’t. The sentiment being expressed does bother me. And I’ve learned emotional discomfort is the same thing as physical discomfort: a message from unthinking-me to the thinking-me: “Something is off and would you please take steps to adjust, thank you.”

Whenever I catch myself struggling against what I perceive as an outside attempt to define me, I choose to give that definition a trial run instead. In other words I don’t fight it anymore… I experiment with its validity.

The message I got from the status update was essentially “People are suffering and you don’t care enough to really do anything about it.”

What’s important isn’t whether that is what is actually being said, or was intended to be said, or anything else having to do with other people’s choices. What’s important is acknowledging my response, and investigating the truth of it.

Are people suffering?

Yes.

Am I doing anything about it?

Nope.

Do I care?

Yes, I do.

And now I know why I was bothered. There was a contradiction hiding in the folds of my life, and my emotional center seized on the opportunity presented by the cascading meme to shake that blanket out and let me get a look at what was nesting there.

Now I could do something about it. I posted two status updates to Facebook through Twitter yesterday.

1: “Your Riverside Community Hospital Auxiliary Volunteer Information Form has been submitted. A member will contact you soon.” #py$wymi

2: Thank you to whoever started the #healthcare meme. You got me thinking–so I volunteered at my local hospital. b/c that matters more.

The first is quoting from the form response I got at Riverside Community Hospital’s website. #py$wymi is short for put your money where you mouth is. As a reforming yammer-mouth and armchair-everything, I’m discovering that the usually insulting STFU and GTFO are very powerful when combined and applied to oneself.

In this case, rather than debating health care, now I get to provide some.

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Feedback Tuesday, Jun 10 2008

Went to Monkey Butler last night. Gabe was giving us personal evaluations, so it was a good chance to get his observations on where I need to develop as a performer.

So funny how improv training is synonymous with life training.

After class I went over to Chris Taylor’s house to see my buddy Nate. Chris is out of town on business, but his girlfriend Jeanne was there. She is an amazing woman, and becomes more amazing to me every time we talk and I learn more of her story. Last night she looks at me and says (with her wonderful French accent), “You’ve changed since the last time I saw you.”

Jeanne’s incredibly perceptive, so that got me to sit up and take notice. “Really? What’s different?”

“When I look into your eyes, there’s confidence. It wasn’t there before. I could see it even when you were outside, coming up to the house.”

Nate echoed the observation. “Oh yeah dude. You’re totally different then you were when I met you.”

I know there are still huge gaps in my life where I’m not confident at all, things where hidden terrors hold me back from moving forward.
But I am coming to accept that I can move forward. I have in other areas, I can in all others. Its the paradox of taking responsibility: you are where you want to be. You brought yourself here, but by the same token you can take yourself somewhere else.

Jeanne and Nate finished their wine, I had a beer. We talked more about adversity and purpose, relationships and vulnerability.

I haven’t achieved total victory over the darkness in my life. But the fact that my friends see the light that has come, the ground that’s been taken; this a great encouragement. I’m totally in love with these two people.

The couch was offered for me to crash on, and I accepted. These days I take every night I don’t come home as an adventurous accomplishment.

Nate’s off to visit family in Indiana for a week and half. Said goodbye and see you soon, then hopped on my bike and rolled down the hill to my place.

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Day Tripper Tuesday, Jun 3 2008

A Metro Day Pass in L.A. is $5. With it you can hop on any city bus or subway and go where it takes you.

Which is what I did Sunday.

Started by getting on the bus here in Pasadena at 9:00am. A transfer in Eagle Rock brought me to Say Cheese restaurant in Silver Lake, where a co-worker of mine works the Sunday Brunch shift. Say Cheese has good coffee, good prices and–what else?–great cheese. Chatted with Nicolai a bit and then, after finishing my Ham and Gruyere croissant at 11:30 got up to go who knows where.

I like to navigate by sense of direction, so I set my feet south on Hyperion Blvd and started walking. Went over a few hills and took in the vistas of Los Feliz, Hollywood, Downtown–the charred patches of Griffith Park from last year’s fire. Walked past the dog parks on Silver Lake Blvd and up the east side of the Reservoir, then down to Glendale Blvd. Saw the Red Lion, where Mark–another co-worker and fellow screenwriter–used to work. They had a big sign saying they serve Bitburger beer, so I think that’s where ‘ll go with my parents next time they’re in town.

Caught a bus into the city. They were shooting a movie called Hotel for Dogs. Whatever.

Stepped into the lobby of the Wilshire Grand to get away from the street noise so I could make a phone call. Turns out there pool gate doesn’t have any sort of lock or keypass on it. So I grabbed a chaise lounge and tried to even out my farmer’s tan.

Had some Thai food at this great little place with a sweet old lady, then went to the Mayan to see if there was any help I could offer with set-up. My meager contribution was carrying a table and a box for Jason, the DJ; we hung out and traded stories for an hour or so. His fiancee used to babysit Adee–they’re getting married in five weeks!

Church was awesome. The speaker, Hank, is an exciting new voice at Mosaic with a fascinating life. At one point he asked if there were any parents in the audience–mine was the only hand that went up. Sort of a little snapshot of my present life and context.

At the end of the message Erwin took the mic for a moment just to let people know that he was indeed present, that Hank wasn’t filling in, but rather “he’s first string.” Erwin’s so good at encouraging and lifting people up. Even though he only said about four sentences, I was tearing up at the genuine respect and affection he was showing his protege. It was a public act that pulled back the curtain a bit on the real beauty of relationships.

Saw a lot of friends: Andy, Ray, Garett, Brady, Skyler. Had a good conversation with Leslie. Met Dany in the lobby beforehand and she was kind enough to sit with me, even though the service was arranged theatre in the round style and I picked a tall table and bar stools right behind the band.

Got a text message from Tyff inviting me over for wine and games at her place in Culver City. Took a little while and a bit of backtracking, but I finally navigated my way down the Blue Line to Staples Center and then along Venice Blvd. A guy on the bus asked to borrow my phone because his was dying and he needed to call someone in Santa Monica. Apparently he was picking up some money but he wasn’t going to get there in time, so they had to figure out a hiding spot where he could retrieve the cash. This is just one of a half dozen fascinating things that happened on the bus that day.

Arrived at Tyff’s to find a game of Taboo in full swing, and that every other guy there was also a spec screenwriter. Lots of fun, cheekiness and consumption of Rice Krispie Treats ensued. I don’t drink wine so I had to make due with the one Coors Light we could excavate from the confusion of the fridge.

The night wound down, people went home. We laid Tyff’s co-worker to rest on the couch to sleep off his one-tequila two-tequila three-tequila floor, then stayed up way too late ourselves talking about God, ourselves, this life inbetween, what you want and what you get. Even dead tired, Tyffany’s and awesome listener. She very kindly let me crash in the living room opposite the hibernating waiter. She kept insisting that the couch pillow wasn’t going to be very comfortable and wouldn’t stop trying to give me another one until I threatened to throw it at her.

The absolute best part about all of this was that I was writing the whole time. If I was on the move I’d just type into my phone, if not I’d write in my notebook. I guess I’m just inspired by being out there and taking everything in.

Woke up at six. Caught the bus back into downtown. Had coffee and a bagel with cream cheese, then took the Red line to the Gold line to the 181 home. Got off the bus at 9:00am.

Best five bucks I ever spent.

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Chronological Complex Wednesday, Oct 24 2007

So, I think I am going to have to abandon the idea that this blog is going to work on a chronological basis. I simply don’t have the time and there is so much happening so fast for me to get it all down. I get overwhelmed and ignore the thing, which is even worse.

Instead, I’m going to switch over to an idea-centric approach. This seems to be the way I write anyways. But since I’m committing to the idea of posting along the line of ideas, rather than “and then this happened,” I won’t feel like I’m failing to get everything posted.

This should also help with the problem that a lot of people, from what they read here, are going away with the impression that I’m really depressed. For the record, I’m not depressed. Depressed is when you feel bad more than you should. That’s not me.

You see, I’m really hurting.

But something would be definitely wrong if I wasn’t. I see this in some of the advice I get–that if she doesn’t love me like she should, I don’t have any obligation anymore, that I’m being unhealthy or unaccepting by pining away from someone who’s over me, that I should accept her choice and go find someone who will treat me better.

Well, I think the only way to take that advice is to take all the hurt and pain and pretend like just because its wrong it doesn’t matter. Sorry gents, can’t go with you on this one. It hurts precisely because it is wrong, and its wrong because it hurts. That’s the inverse proof of the golden rule guys.

I mean, seriously, this is the single worse act of rejection in my life. Let’s say–theoritacally, because I don’t believe this is in the cards and even if it is I don’t know if I could play the hand–I get married again and then that woman–let’s call her Suzanne (wow, two dashed parentheticals in one sentence [and then a parantheticalled wry observation {okay this has got to stop}])–let’s say Suzanne divorces me, is that going to be as bad as the first time around? No. It will be bad, but as they say: you always remember your first.

I mean, how many other relationships do you have in life where someone stands up in front of everyone who matters to them and takes a vow to stick with you for life? Any employers doing that? Friends? Family didn’t get an option.

You see, I am still under an obligation, because when the pastor asked me to make my vows, he looked at me, and he asked me, and not once did he say “As long as Christina keeps vows too.” Nope, didn’t happen. My vows were just that: my vows. Christina can do what she wants. I’m going to keep mine, because that’s who I choose to be.

Am I crazy? We’ll see… but I’m staking everything on the belief that when I married this woman, God made us one, and that no matter what happens, he won’t abandon us. Because I don’t believe God is trying to screw me over with impossible situations. I believe he is trying to save all of us and show us the true meaning of joy with impossible situations.

So no, my friends, there is nothing else that I will ever experience that will pack more personal rejection. The whole world could have turned its back on me; if Christina would have still held my hand, it would have been fine. I’m hurting. A LOT. But I should be, given the situation. The real question is what am I going to do with that pain? There is no not hurting, there is accepting and acknowledging, or ignoring and being made a puppet.

I can’t control the pain. But I can find the purpose.

I list all the pain and hurt in my life because that’s what I’m using this blog for. To use this situation to get out all the bad stuff I’ve tried my whole life to cover over, and to do it out in the open so it might help others to do the same. So I’m sorry if what I have written has given the wrong impression. I haven’t been able to post everything here, Sadly a lot of what I’ve left out is the good times. For instance, last Saturday was wonderful.

—————-
Now playing: Angels & Airwaves – The Gift
via FoxyTunes

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Dichotomy unpeeled–this blows my mind. Sunday, Oct 7 2007

I am two people. A dead man and a living one.

I have complete freedom from myself because myself is deserving of nothing–on my own I am as dust.

I have complete freedom in myself because Christ is in me and He is deserving of everything.

These things were revealed while meditating several days ago. I’ve been trying to discern the right path between two unmovable truths:

1. My repeated actions have completely disqualified me from any claim to my marriage to Christina based on my own merits, etc. I made promises and didn’t fulfill them. I habitually broke her trust. I did not honor her as unique and special. As a lifestyle, I sought to control and manipulate my circumstances and therefore her. I ignored her feelings unless they threatened me; then I would approach them as a problem to solve, something to appease so the conflict would go away, rather than someone to love and care for. I demanded authenticity from her life while my own was rife with hypocrisy, demanded she give while I was selfish to such a degree that I couldn’t even see it.

2. I love her, and if I am not pursuing her I am less then who I am. She is God’s embodiment of love to me, and I to her. While I may have warped the way the truth was expressed in our lives and marriage through all the things listed above, that doesn’t change the underlying, certain as the orbit of the stars and the moon, reality that she is my wife, my soulmate, my Beloved. God joined us together in marriage, and we are One.

The confusion comes when deciding what actions to take. How can I act on the second truth when the first is inescapable? These realities both ARE, they exist, yet they have completely opposite velocities. How can their co-existence be reconciled, especially when all I have available is my own limited place in time?

Dana spoke at Mosaic last week. She chose the moment when Moses stepped forward and told God that if He wanted to destroy Israel–who had just blown it with the golden calf–that God was going have to zap Moses first. In fact, he threw more down on the table than just his life–he put his soul at risk.

How does a man do that? I think it’s because Moses knew he was already dead.

I think Moses always remembered that when he had tried his hand at delivering the Israelites from Egypt despite all the learning of a prince all he was able to come up with was violence. Murder. And the Israelites, who were experts in recognizing coercion, called him on it. “Will you strike me dead as you did the Egyptian yesterday?”

I think Moses knew the only reason he was still alive was because of grace. The very law he was delivering to the people said “An eye for an eye, a tooth for tooth.” The punishment for murder was death. Moses had committed this crime. The very fact that he was still breathing at all meant he of all people understood the necessity for love and compassion and mercy rather than judgment.

Does this mean he got off the hook? No. It meant he understood that God had a complete right to do whatever He wanted with Moses life.

Same with me. Ive committed sins that God clearly considers to be capital offenses. It doesn’t matter the sin. What matters is that I’ve blown it. My own life is forfeit. Will I physically die? No. I’ll just keep living this slow death of trying: trying to be loving, trying to be creative, trying to be effective, trying to be a leader, a good son, a good father, a good brother, a good husband.

And I will continue to fail, and to fall. Further and further into a pit of futility. Because all of my trying will be an attempt to deny the truth that will not go away. That I am NOT a good anything. I am not good. I am selfish. I am a thief and a murderer, if not of material goods and lives then of souls and love. On my own, my ultimate contribution is dust and worms, a plague on all people. And the harder I try to deny it, the more I’ll prove it true.

But if I can admit all of these things…

Then I can place this wretched life where it belongs. On a cross. And Christ can come off of His. He hung on his unto death. His work was completed. Now He lives. And unlike me, He lived a life of submission and love. He never sinned against God or man. He created all things and redeemed them. He is worthy of everything. And He lives in me.

When I show someone love, I love Christ. When someone loves me, they love Christ. Therefore, I can reconcile any guilt or feelings of unworthiness I have about receiving anything good in my life because it is really being received through me to Him. True, I don’t deserve it. But deserving and merit and works are appeased by the body hanging on the Hill of the Skull. I live because God lives in me, and whatever good I receive, it comes by mercy, by the understanding that it is right for Him to receive goodness and love and affection and joy through me.

And so I can be free. Both truths are acknowledged. The ways of the universe are appeased. And we may all live in fellowship and joy.

Found this little bit of advice on how to actually put some of this into practice:

“After you find the specific hurt that you’ve been running from, the next step is to do the opposite of fighting it, which is to face it and then embrace it. Allow yourself to feel the hurt of being this way. Cry if you can. Then, while you are feeling this hurt, look over your life and see all the evidence to prove that this is indeed an aspect of you.

Find the evidence to prove that you are worthless, not good enough, not worth loving, a failure or whatever else you’ve been avoiding.

Remember, this isn’t true in reality. This is only true in the realm of thinking and emotion. But in this realm, worthless is very real, and this is the realm where the healing needs to take place. So put yourself in the hurt of feeling this way and look at your life and see all the evidence to prove that you really are this way.

The evidence will be there if you are willing to see it. It has to be. It wouldn’t keep showing up in your life if it wasn’t there. You don’t have to like it. You just have to tell the truth about it. Let it in.

Worthless is part of you. It’s also no big deal. You are also worthy. Worthless and worthy are both aspects of being human. So allow yourself to be human.

Allow yourself to feel all the hurt of being worthless, not good enough, a failure or whatever your issue is. Feel the hurt willingly like a child. Let it come and let it go.

The more you let in the fact that this is an aspect of you, the more impossible it is to run from it. When you can’t run from it, you can’t fight it. When you can’t fight it, the issue loses power and disappears.”

—————-
Now playing: Honey – Force Majeure
via FoxyTunes

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The glass isn’t half anything. It’s empty ’cause I drank it–because that’s what water in a glass is for. Monday, Oct 1 2007

So Saturday night one of the servers and I are talking about school and the conversation rolls around to family. So I wind up telling Daniel that Christina and I are separated right now. He says he’s sorry to hear that and then throws some weight behind the sentiment by offering to buy me a beer after work. Then one of my manager’s gave me an attaboy by buying my dinner.

So I got a friendly slap on the back from the boss in the form of a fantastic yellowtail on Mexican black beans and Spanish rice, and an expression of sympathy over my marital troubles along with a relationship upgrade from co-workers to buddies. Daniel and I got to connect and have some good conversation, and both of us managed to dribble beer because those infernal 32oz looong glasses at Yardhouse get kind of tricky at the end–when you’re taking the last couple of sips you have to tip it way back and wait a couple of seconds before your drink makes the long journey down the flute, and sometimes the liquid will juke to one side where the glass widens at the mouth.

When Christina first moved out back in August, God made Himself clearly present in my life through His people. My best friend Ramsey came and stayed over for a week to give me some much needed company. Through random run-ins with different friends and acquaintances I would find myself surrounded on several occasions with lots of people, someone else kindly bu firmly insisting on picking up the tab.

(As an aside, on several of these occasions an empty chair would somehow have unintentionally migrated to my side. The observation was not lost on me).

Of few of these folks were new to me, some were friends. Most of them were people I knew of and had run into once or had their name come across other conversations several times. The point is that while I was dealing with the aftermath of the most personal and thorough rejection of my life (which isn’t really about me being rejected, but “not about” isn’t the same as “not happening”–pain is pain, my friends), God was letting me know that all of this He still cared for me. I have a community of people who accept me and I accept them and none of us is perfect but we all have a lot to offer and that’s cool.

Now God’s upped the ante by showing me grace and kindness through people beyond the church. For which I am extremely thankful; it helps me to live with gratitude for everything I have. The Lord gives, the Lord takes away… and I believe He gives again.

After all, everyone knows stories are told in three acts.

—————-
Now playing: Bob Seger & the Silver Bullet Band – Old Time Rock & Roll
via FoxyTunes

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Three finger salute Wednesday, Sep 26 2007

I wonder if someone is praying for me right now…

I just had a realization that is so obvious, yet hasn’t occurred to me until just this moment.

While Christina was drifting away during the last few months, I pleaded with her: find a spiritually mature woman in your life who has been through what you’re going through now. Connect with someone who can give you hope, who’s own life proves that you can make it through your own struggles.

Sadly, Christina didn’t do this, but rather withdrew from most of the friends she did have.

Am I blogging about this to point the finger at Christina? Nope. Because as the old saying goes, there’s three more of my own pointing right back at me.

Where was my mentor?

Sure, I had counselors and friends and buddies and whole bunch or support people. But where was the more spiritually mature man leading me? Whose authority did I submit myself too?

Where was I setting an example?

There wasn’t one.

What does that make me? Telling someone else to do something I hadn’t done myself?

A hypocrite.

So interesting that such a blatant failure to lead should have escaped my attention for months until now.

The flipside is that whenever I discover a way I have been doing exactly what I’ve seen my spouse do or vice versa, when I see these thorough connections between our two lives and personalities, it makes me feel that we are really expressing one life–that we truly are soulmates.

Time to find a mentor. I’ve got a candidate in mind. Hope he’s not too busy. That’s the thing about mentors: they tend to be successful by definition and therefore subject to previous commitments. . .

—————-
Now playing: Red House Painters – Silly Love Songs
via FoxyTunes

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The Root of the Problem Saturday, Sep 22 2007

So last night I’m at work and there’s a new girl who is going through host training. She’s actually coming on as a server, but you have to know just about everything so they have you cross train through all the different stations. I’ve been there for all of a week and a half, but I guess that’s enough to train someone else. Actually it isn’t, because most of her questions exposed my ignorance of my own job–but hey, maybe in three weeks I’ll know everything.

Hosting the front desk at a restaurant reminds me of something a jet fighter pilot said about his job: long periods of tedium and boredom punctuated by a few minutes of pulse-pounding terror. Okay, so I haven’t experienced any terror at work, just a crush when all the reservations and a couple of walks-ins wanting a table for six all show up while three phone lines are ringing. But in between there’s not much to do but talk.

So its fairly soon that my current marital un-status comes up; especially if I mention my daughter. It goes: “Oh, you have a daughter? How old is she? How old are you? Really? Are you married?”

So I say my wife is divorcing me and it sucks because its definitely not fun, but its okay, and if they ask why is it okay I let them know because God has promised me that no matter what He loves me and nothing is beyond His Love and He works everything for good, or as much of that as I can say that I feel will be received .

So this time she asks and I say,”Yeah, sort of. I’m going through a divorce right now.” And her response is “Oh. That’s too bad. Were you financially unstable?”

I had to smile. She’s right of course–finances are an important component in any family. But it stood out to me that she asked about money first, and in such a carefully crafted Country-Clubbish code question. You only learn to talk like that at that age from the folks you grow up with. When I answered honestly “Why yes. Yes we were,” it seemed to suitably diagnose the root cause of the problem for her.

Was money a problem? A stress inducer? Oh yes. But WHY, dear friends, was there a lack of money?

There was no money because there was no passion. There were dreams. There were not adventures.

That was the problem.

—————-
Now playing: Tegan and Sara – We Didn’t Do It
via FoxyTunes

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