Memes and Me — Experimenting with Validity Friday, Sep 4 2009

Discovering the hidden power of STFU & GTFO.

Chances are pretty good you encountered the health care meme bouncing around the Internet. Here’s the first I saw of it yesterday on Facebook:

“So-and-so believes that no one should die because they cannot afford health care, and nobody should go broke because they get sick. If you agree, please post this as your status for the rest of the day.”

I did not react positively to this. My inner-teenager resents being told what to do. Flipping his hair out of his face, he points out the moral extortion swimming along just beneath the smooth surface of the post: if you DON’T surrender your Facebook status and help spread the word, well then… I guess now we all know who thinks poor Americans SHOULD die and sick Americans SHOULD go broke.

You uncaring monster.

Being young and so-so-sensitive, Emo-Jung wants to call someone a monster back. He puts me to work on a really biting status update, letting everyone know how morally inferior they are for alluding to everyone else’s moral inferiority. Then I remember that teenagers, no matter how bright and right they can be, still need guidance. So I tell him “No. We’re not gonna do that.” He glowers, flips his hair out of his face AGAIN (why don’t you just get it cut?) and wants to know what we ARE going to do. He’s daring me to ignore it. Smirking.

I can, but I won’t. The sentiment being expressed does bother me. And I’ve learned emotional discomfort is the same thing as physical discomfort: a message from unthinking-me to the thinking-me: “Something is off and would you please take steps to adjust, thank you.”

Whenever I catch myself struggling against what I perceive as an outside attempt to define me, I choose to give that definition a trial run instead. In other words I don’t fight it anymore… I experiment with its validity.

The message I got from the status update was essentially “People are suffering and you don’t care enough to really do anything about it.”

What’s important isn’t whether that is what is actually being said, or was intended to be said, or anything else having to do with other people’s choices. What’s important is acknowledging my response, and investigating the truth of it.

Are people suffering?

Yes.

Am I doing anything about it?

Nope.

Do I care?

Yes, I do.

And now I know why I was bothered. There was a contradiction hiding in the folds of my life, and my emotional center seized on the opportunity presented by the cascading meme to shake that blanket out and let me get a look at what was nesting there.

Now I could do something about it. I posted two status updates to Facebook through Twitter yesterday.

1: “Your Riverside Community Hospital Auxiliary Volunteer Information Form has been submitted. A member will contact you soon.” #py$wymi

2: Thank you to whoever started the #healthcare meme. You got me thinking–so I volunteered at my local hospital. b/c that matters more.

The first is quoting from the form response I got at Riverside Community Hospital’s website. #py$wymi is short for put your money where you mouth is. As a reforming yammer-mouth and armchair-everything, I’m discovering that the usually insulting STFU and GTFO are very powerful when combined and applied to oneself.

In this case, rather than debating health care, now I get to provide some.

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Adee’s Coming Tomorrow! Tuesday, Nov 13 2007

I get to see my little girl tomorrow! Its been a whole week since I saw her last.

Tomorrow is going to include some shots at the doctor’s office, but even so, its going to be a good day.

This is her hanging out with her grandma at church on Sunday:

I picked up a couple of shirts for her today. Wound up spending way too much at the store, but it was the first time I ever went and bought some clothes for Adee myself, so I don’t care. I’ll post some shots of her wearing them later.

I love that little girl.

—————-
Now playing: Rufus Wainwright – Want
via FoxyTunes

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Not enough dough in the pie. Monday, Nov 5 2007

Choices.

I didn’t choose this situation.

[Or maybe I did, but I'd like out now, thank you...]

Here’s where I’m at:

I have never made enough money to support myself, let alone my wife and child.

Just need to come out and admit that.

I was always chasing a dream. But I think now that while my dream of becoming a working screenwriter was and is perfectly valid, the motivation behind my pursuit of that dream was not. To wit, right thing wrong reason.

I was looking for the silver bullet. The solution to all of my problems.

Well, now the Writer’s Guild is on strike (a friend of mine is reporting for his shift on the picket lines tomorrow). Now even if I did finish the world’s greatest screenplay and the studio’s wanted to start a bidding war for it, I can’t sell it.

So now even the silver bullet is a blank.

I think this is a good thing. I think this is one more thing God is stripping away right now.

Because now I’m starting to own up to some failures. Starting to develop some much needed hustle.

Here’s the math: There are three things that require most of my time, aside from eating and sleeping.

1.) Work – 5 nights a week

2.) School – 2 Days, 1 Night, and much more for homework

3.) Single Dad – 3 Days and Nights a week.

Net result: 1 Free evening and 2 Free half-days. Unfortunately, my financial aid got yanked this semester, and I’m not making enough at my job to meet expenses. To sum, the situation is unsustainable. One of these three has to give.

Money is what is lacking. Time and Energy devoted to Employment has to go up, not down.

I can be finished with school by January. I’ve decided that its not progress for me as a person if I quit. Better to achieve this goal sooner rather than stretching it out to June.

Which leaves my time with my daughter. I can’t take care of Adee by myself anymore.

But I am by myself.

So I can’t take care of Adee. Not if I am going to take care of–provide for–Adee.

I’m already missing out, I guess. Adee changes noticeably between each time I see her.

I wish there were other options. But I don’t get wishes.

Just choices.

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Chronological Complex Wednesday, Oct 24 2007

So, I think I am going to have to abandon the idea that this blog is going to work on a chronological basis. I simply don’t have the time and there is so much happening so fast for me to get it all down. I get overwhelmed and ignore the thing, which is even worse.

Instead, I’m going to switch over to an idea-centric approach. This seems to be the way I write anyways. But since I’m committing to the idea of posting along the line of ideas, rather than “and then this happened,” I won’t feel like I’m failing to get everything posted.

This should also help with the problem that a lot of people, from what they read here, are going away with the impression that I’m really depressed. For the record, I’m not depressed. Depressed is when you feel bad more than you should. That’s not me.

You see, I’m really hurting.

But something would be definitely wrong if I wasn’t. I see this in some of the advice I get–that if she doesn’t love me like she should, I don’t have any obligation anymore, that I’m being unhealthy or unaccepting by pining away from someone who’s over me, that I should accept her choice and go find someone who will treat me better.

Well, I think the only way to take that advice is to take all the hurt and pain and pretend like just because its wrong it doesn’t matter. Sorry gents, can’t go with you on this one. It hurts precisely because it is wrong, and its wrong because it hurts. That’s the inverse proof of the golden rule guys.

I mean, seriously, this is the single worse act of rejection in my life. Let’s say–theoritacally, because I don’t believe this is in the cards and even if it is I don’t know if I could play the hand–I get married again and then that woman–let’s call her Suzanne (wow, two dashed parentheticals in one sentence [and then a parantheticalled wry observation {okay this has got to stop}])–let’s say Suzanne divorces me, is that going to be as bad as the first time around? No. It will be bad, but as they say: you always remember your first.

I mean, how many other relationships do you have in life where someone stands up in front of everyone who matters to them and takes a vow to stick with you for life? Any employers doing that? Friends? Family didn’t get an option.

You see, I am still under an obligation, because when the pastor asked me to make my vows, he looked at me, and he asked me, and not once did he say “As long as Christina keeps vows too.” Nope, didn’t happen. My vows were just that: my vows. Christina can do what she wants. I’m going to keep mine, because that’s who I choose to be.

Am I crazy? We’ll see… but I’m staking everything on the belief that when I married this woman, God made us one, and that no matter what happens, he won’t abandon us. Because I don’t believe God is trying to screw me over with impossible situations. I believe he is trying to save all of us and show us the true meaning of joy with impossible situations.

So no, my friends, there is nothing else that I will ever experience that will pack more personal rejection. The whole world could have turned its back on me; if Christina would have still held my hand, it would have been fine. I’m hurting. A LOT. But I should be, given the situation. The real question is what am I going to do with that pain? There is no not hurting, there is accepting and acknowledging, or ignoring and being made a puppet.

I can’t control the pain. But I can find the purpose.

I list all the pain and hurt in my life because that’s what I’m using this blog for. To use this situation to get out all the bad stuff I’ve tried my whole life to cover over, and to do it out in the open so it might help others to do the same. So I’m sorry if what I have written has given the wrong impression. I haven’t been able to post everything here, Sadly a lot of what I’ve left out is the good times. For instance, last Saturday was wonderful.

—————-
Now playing: Angels & Airwaves – The Gift
via FoxyTunes

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I’ve Found My Guiding Light Friday, Oct 5 2007

I’ve written about my frustration with not having a clear direction to stick to in the midst of the storm that has beset my relationship with my wife, Christina. Well, I think my North Star has finally poked its head out from behind the clouds. I came across this quote online:

“Why is it the party in the wrong always asks the innocent party to adjust themselves? Because that is what addicts do. If you really ‘got it,’ you wouldn’t be asking how to get yet another chance. You would be more concerned with apologizing and making amends for what you have put this person through.

Your outlook is still self-serving, a sign you haven’t defeated your addictions. Focus on yourself and curing your addictions.”

Wow. THAT really pulls the cover off the mystery box.

…coming about to a new heading.

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That’s how I roll. Thursday, Sep 27 2007

Sleep has just been upgraded to a luxury, which means I’ll have to get by without it.

I’m just getting squeezed in too many ways.

My coming financial aide isn’t, and I just found out yesterday might not ever.

I’m getting smoked by deadlines in Biology and Business Algebra.

I’m watching Adee or working most of the rest of the time.

I’ve got overages on my cell phone for the first time ever, and they are hefty.

Guerrilla Theatre is still in the starting gate, and the school club deadlines are slipping by too.

So get ready for insomniac Remy… assuming I have the willpower for it.

Course I do. I can’t NOT have it, so I have it.
—————-
Now playing: Delirious? – All the Way
via FoxyTunes

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Three finger salute Wednesday, Sep 26 2007

I wonder if someone is praying for me right now…

I just had a realization that is so obvious, yet hasn’t occurred to me until just this moment.

While Christina was drifting away during the last few months, I pleaded with her: find a spiritually mature woman in your life who has been through what you’re going through now. Connect with someone who can give you hope, who’s own life proves that you can make it through your own struggles.

Sadly, Christina didn’t do this, but rather withdrew from most of the friends she did have.

Am I blogging about this to point the finger at Christina? Nope. Because as the old saying goes, there’s three more of my own pointing right back at me.

Where was my mentor?

Sure, I had counselors and friends and buddies and whole bunch or support people. But where was the more spiritually mature man leading me? Whose authority did I submit myself too?

Where was I setting an example?

There wasn’t one.

What does that make me? Telling someone else to do something I hadn’t done myself?

A hypocrite.

So interesting that such a blatant failure to lead should have escaped my attention for months until now.

The flipside is that whenever I discover a way I have been doing exactly what I’ve seen my spouse do or vice versa, when I see these thorough connections between our two lives and personalities, it makes me feel that we are really expressing one life–that we truly are soulmates.

Time to find a mentor. I’ve got a candidate in mind. Hope he’s not too busy. That’s the thing about mentors: they tend to be successful by definition and therefore subject to previous commitments. . .

—————-
Now playing: Red House Painters – Silly Love Songs
via FoxyTunes

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The Root of the Problem Saturday, Sep 22 2007

So last night I’m at work and there’s a new girl who is going through host training. She’s actually coming on as a server, but you have to know just about everything so they have you cross train through all the different stations. I’ve been there for all of a week and a half, but I guess that’s enough to train someone else. Actually it isn’t, because most of her questions exposed my ignorance of my own job–but hey, maybe in three weeks I’ll know everything.

Hosting the front desk at a restaurant reminds me of something a jet fighter pilot said about his job: long periods of tedium and boredom punctuated by a few minutes of pulse-pounding terror. Okay, so I haven’t experienced any terror at work, just a crush when all the reservations and a couple of walks-ins wanting a table for six all show up while three phone lines are ringing. But in between there’s not much to do but talk.

So its fairly soon that my current marital un-status comes up; especially if I mention my daughter. It goes: “Oh, you have a daughter? How old is she? How old are you? Really? Are you married?”

So I say my wife is divorcing me and it sucks because its definitely not fun, but its okay, and if they ask why is it okay I let them know because God has promised me that no matter what He loves me and nothing is beyond His Love and He works everything for good, or as much of that as I can say that I feel will be received .

So this time she asks and I say,”Yeah, sort of. I’m going through a divorce right now.” And her response is “Oh. That’s too bad. Were you financially unstable?”

I had to smile. She’s right of course–finances are an important component in any family. But it stood out to me that she asked about money first, and in such a carefully crafted Country-Clubbish code question. You only learn to talk like that at that age from the folks you grow up with. When I answered honestly “Why yes. Yes we were,” it seemed to suitably diagnose the root cause of the problem for her.

Was money a problem? A stress inducer? Oh yes. But WHY, dear friends, was there a lack of money?

There was no money because there was no passion. There were dreams. There were not adventures.

That was the problem.

—————-
Now playing: Tegan and Sara – We Didn’t Do It
via FoxyTunes

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