Not enough dough in the pie. Monday, Nov 5 2007

Choices.

I didn’t choose this situation.

[Or maybe I did, but I'd like out now, thank you...]

Here’s where I’m at:

I have never made enough money to support myself, let alone my wife and child.

Just need to come out and admit that.

I was always chasing a dream. But I think now that while my dream of becoming a working screenwriter was and is perfectly valid, the motivation behind my pursuit of that dream was not. To wit, right thing wrong reason.

I was looking for the silver bullet. The solution to all of my problems.

Well, now the Writer’s Guild is on strike (a friend of mine is reporting for his shift on the picket lines tomorrow). Now even if I did finish the world’s greatest screenplay and the studio’s wanted to start a bidding war for it, I can’t sell it.

So now even the silver bullet is a blank.

I think this is a good thing. I think this is one more thing God is stripping away right now.

Because now I’m starting to own up to some failures. Starting to develop some much needed hustle.

Here’s the math: There are three things that require most of my time, aside from eating and sleeping.

1.) Work – 5 nights a week

2.) School – 2 Days, 1 Night, and much more for homework

3.) Single Dad – 3 Days and Nights a week.

Net result: 1 Free evening and 2 Free half-days. Unfortunately, my financial aid got yanked this semester, and I’m not making enough at my job to meet expenses. To sum, the situation is unsustainable. One of these three has to give.

Money is what is lacking. Time and Energy devoted to Employment has to go up, not down.

I can be finished with school by January. I’ve decided that its not progress for me as a person if I quit. Better to achieve this goal sooner rather than stretching it out to June.

Which leaves my time with my daughter. I can’t take care of Adee by myself anymore.

But I am by myself.

So I can’t take care of Adee. Not if I am going to take care of–provide for–Adee.

I’m already missing out, I guess. Adee changes noticeably between each time I see her.

I wish there were other options. But I don’t get wishes.

Just choices.

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Chronological Complex Wednesday, Oct 24 2007

So, I think I am going to have to abandon the idea that this blog is going to work on a chronological basis. I simply don’t have the time and there is so much happening so fast for me to get it all down. I get overwhelmed and ignore the thing, which is even worse.

Instead, I’m going to switch over to an idea-centric approach. This seems to be the way I write anyways. But since I’m committing to the idea of posting along the line of ideas, rather than “and then this happened,” I won’t feel like I’m failing to get everything posted.

This should also help with the problem that a lot of people, from what they read here, are going away with the impression that I’m really depressed. For the record, I’m not depressed. Depressed is when you feel bad more than you should. That’s not me.

You see, I’m really hurting.

But something would be definitely wrong if I wasn’t. I see this in some of the advice I get–that if she doesn’t love me like she should, I don’t have any obligation anymore, that I’m being unhealthy or unaccepting by pining away from someone who’s over me, that I should accept her choice and go find someone who will treat me better.

Well, I think the only way to take that advice is to take all the hurt and pain and pretend like just because its wrong it doesn’t matter. Sorry gents, can’t go with you on this one. It hurts precisely because it is wrong, and its wrong because it hurts. That’s the inverse proof of the golden rule guys.

I mean, seriously, this is the single worse act of rejection in my life. Let’s say–theoritacally, because I don’t believe this is in the cards and even if it is I don’t know if I could play the hand–I get married again and then that woman–let’s call her Suzanne (wow, two dashed parentheticals in one sentence [and then a parantheticalled wry observation {okay this has got to stop}])–let’s say Suzanne divorces me, is that going to be as bad as the first time around? No. It will be bad, but as they say: you always remember your first.

I mean, how many other relationships do you have in life where someone stands up in front of everyone who matters to them and takes a vow to stick with you for life? Any employers doing that? Friends? Family didn’t get an option.

You see, I am still under an obligation, because when the pastor asked me to make my vows, he looked at me, and he asked me, and not once did he say “As long as Christina keeps vows too.” Nope, didn’t happen. My vows were just that: my vows. Christina can do what she wants. I’m going to keep mine, because that’s who I choose to be.

Am I crazy? We’ll see… but I’m staking everything on the belief that when I married this woman, God made us one, and that no matter what happens, he won’t abandon us. Because I don’t believe God is trying to screw me over with impossible situations. I believe he is trying to save all of us and show us the true meaning of joy with impossible situations.

So no, my friends, there is nothing else that I will ever experience that will pack more personal rejection. The whole world could have turned its back on me; if Christina would have still held my hand, it would have been fine. I’m hurting. A LOT. But I should be, given the situation. The real question is what am I going to do with that pain? There is no not hurting, there is accepting and acknowledging, or ignoring and being made a puppet.

I can’t control the pain. But I can find the purpose.

I list all the pain and hurt in my life because that’s what I’m using this blog for. To use this situation to get out all the bad stuff I’ve tried my whole life to cover over, and to do it out in the open so it might help others to do the same. So I’m sorry if what I have written has given the wrong impression. I haven’t been able to post everything here, Sadly a lot of what I’ve left out is the good times. For instance, last Saturday was wonderful.

—————-
Now playing: Angels & Airwaves – The Gift
via FoxyTunes

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The many waves that have prevented my course Tuesday, Oct 16 2007

So, here’s a list I made this morning of all the inner fears I can think of that are calling the shots in my life, that have got me where I am. I figure a good way to admit both the truth and lie of them is just to throw them out for the whole world to see. Once the secret is out, it loses its power, right? So here we go.

I am afraid that…

-I am worthless

-I am rejectable

-I am not good enough

-I can’t be good enough

-No matter how hard I try, I will always fail

-I don’t deserve anything I want

-I will make a mistake that will cost me what I love

-I deserve to be punished

-I cannot love

-I will never be loved

-I am meant to be lonely and alone

-I am not really interesting.

-I am irrevocably flawed

-I am incapable of rising to the challenges of my life

-I am a bad friend

-I am detestable and hate-able

-I cannot be trusted

I’ve saved the best for last. I think the number one thing that makes me a controling person is the fear that

I CANNOT DEPEND ON ANYONE and NO-ONE CAN (OR SHOULD) DEPEND ON ME

I write these things, and I know that they are both true and false. In myself, they are true. The evidence is everywhere around me. But in God, they are false. And God is much greater than myself, and thank God for that.

What I do know is that until I admit and embrace the elements of truth, I cannot transcend the lie. I look at this list and consider my life and the two go together like a ring on a finger.

Well, I’m willing to wear a different ring now. I’m ready to admit and accept and then see what life is after that.

It may look awful on the surface, but like the ocean, there’s a lot of peace just below. I’m already a dead man. Corpses can’t drown.

God be with us all on our journey. May He romance your heart and soul.

—————-
Now playing: Chris Tomlin – Enough
via FoxyTunes

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Handling Fear and Pain Sunday, Oct 7 2007

So I’m really taking a look at how much of my life is regulated by fear. How many things am I set on doing that I don’t do? Why? Am I incapable? No. Uninterested? No? What stops me?

Fear.

Of what? I don’t know. Lots of things, I bet.

Number one: Not measuring up.

Here’s an identity I’m trying to leave behind. “He’s so smart and talented. If only he’d finish something.”

I’ve been living with that assessment since kindergarten.

There’s a lot I don’t know. But I know that I don’t need to live under the shadow of failure for the rest of my life. I don’t care if I blow it. I care that I went to the end of the line to make it. I care if I can place fear to my left side and carry on all the same. I care that my life amounts to more than a winding down clock. I want more than just to get by with the least amount of pain possible. Pain is a means to an end, and it will come regardless. How pointless to not achieve that point yet suffer the pain all the same.

If more pain means that I’ll finally get it and knuckle down and deliver, make a reality out of the dreams that God and everyone and myself are hoping for, longing for, dying slowly without, then bring it.

I can take pain.

I can’t handle meaninglessness.

“To have a fear lose its power, you need to do the opposite of resisting. You need to be willing for the fear to happen. You don’t have to like it, and you don’t have to sit around and do nothing. You just have to be willing.

Letting go is strictly a state of mind and is totally separate from your actions. Letting go is what removes the fear and upset so that you can see what action works.

For example, in your heart, be willing to lose your spouse. But in your actions, do everything you can to create an environment where he or she would never want to leave.”

—————-
Now playing: Josh Kelley – Home to Me
via FoxyTunes

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I’ve Found My Guiding Light Friday, Oct 5 2007

I’ve written about my frustration with not having a clear direction to stick to in the midst of the storm that has beset my relationship with my wife, Christina. Well, I think my North Star has finally poked its head out from behind the clouds. I came across this quote online:

“Why is it the party in the wrong always asks the innocent party to adjust themselves? Because that is what addicts do. If you really ‘got it,’ you wouldn’t be asking how to get yet another chance. You would be more concerned with apologizing and making amends for what you have put this person through.

Your outlook is still self-serving, a sign you haven’t defeated your addictions. Focus on yourself and curing your addictions.”

Wow. THAT really pulls the cover off the mystery box.

…coming about to a new heading.

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That’s how I roll. Thursday, Sep 27 2007

Sleep has just been upgraded to a luxury, which means I’ll have to get by without it.

I’m just getting squeezed in too many ways.

My coming financial aide isn’t, and I just found out yesterday might not ever.

I’m getting smoked by deadlines in Biology and Business Algebra.

I’m watching Adee or working most of the rest of the time.

I’ve got overages on my cell phone for the first time ever, and they are hefty.

Guerrilla Theatre is still in the starting gate, and the school club deadlines are slipping by too.

So get ready for insomniac Remy… assuming I have the willpower for it.

Course I do. I can’t NOT have it, so I have it.
—————-
Now playing: Delirious? – All the Way
via FoxyTunes

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Just One Star to Navigate By Wednesday, Sep 26 2007

Thank God I have Him at all.

There is so much going on right now. Some of it is very good. Some of it is very bad. But it all adds up to a lot and I’m just trying to keep up.

I’m working now, and that’s going good. I’m going to push for them to move me up to server. It will be a stretch for me as a person. There’s a part of me that wants to stay a host because learning to be a server is a whole other ball game and I don’t know that I can swing it. Which is why I want to do it and knock the teeth out of that part of me. Perfect love casts out all fear.

I need the money I’d get from serving, now more than ever. I just found a letter from school saying my financial aid has been suspended. This is especially bad because I’m already behind on the rent. I was counting on my financial aid check. Now I’m not going to get it for at least two weeks, if at all. It depends on how my appeal goes to have it reinstated.

My writing is going very well. I have fifteen pages of my screenplay done. That means I’m 1/16th of the way to a finished draft. And my best friend Ramsey just got signed to a management group, so that’s really encouraging to hear he just got a greenlight in his acting career. He’s been persevering for years and years, so I hope some solid work comes out of this and soon.

Monday was a really good day with Christina. I love her so much. Anything good with her is mountain air for my heart and soul.

I’m trying so hard–so hard–to just give my life over to God’s direction. But I’m having such difficulty discerning His voice. I know this financial aid situation is a test of faith. The timing was so conspicuous.

Here’s what I know:

I am supposed to write.

I am to be patient and let Him work.

I am to trust in Him to provide.

I am to fulfill all of my obligations to the best of my ability.

I am to worship and praise Him and seek His rest in the midst of my strivings.

Only two out of five of these things are clear to me: the writing and the worship. The other three, I don’t know quite how to go about. Sometimes I have ideas, but I wonder if I should pursue them or not. Sometimes I can’t think of a thing. There are other things, especially concerning Christina,

where I JUST DON’T KNOW WHAT THE HELL I AM DOING. I know my life is a journey, that I won’t become who I want to be in a day.

I just want to be who I am supposed to be on this day.

I’m at sea, the water is glassy smooth, the sun is hidden by the clouds, the GPS went overboard weeks ago, and I am just desperate for some kind of marker so I can set a course.

I know You are out there. I can feel you lifting my despair when it encroaches.

But what am I to do?

—————-
Now playing: Moi – You Said
via FoxyTunes

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I AM George Clooney (or maybe Mark Wahlberg)! Tuesday, Sep 18 2007

Alright, I’m here.
Finally got my log-in squared away.
So, what’s going on right now?
* Wife left.
* We’re splitting custody and all that fifty-fifty, so I guess I’m a part-time Dad now.
* Just starting working as a host at a pretty upscale seafood place, and I got to say–I love it. The job itself is pretty repetitive, and I know it can easily get boring in a couple of weeks, but for now I’m enjoying that pleasant feeling associated with taking home some cash you earned, and have really taken to the whole “fancy customer service shirt and tie” identity. Someone asked me the other day if I was the manager, which is cool.
* Working on all my wonderful issues–the ones that prevent me from delivering on any of the promises I made to my wife when we got married. I can’t list those here, but let’s sum up by saying I was living a passionless life and filling the void that left with junk. Now I’m un-junking and re-passionating (sounds like a ad-slogan for a fruity health drink).
Pursuing my endeavors:
* College Degree – two semesters to go until my AA, then on to University.
* Guerrilla Theatre – School club at Pasadena City College put together for the purpose of letting the students cut their teeth writing, directing, producing and marketing some shows. Like they do at real nonprofit theatres.
* Telos Theatre Society – My real (almost) nonprofit theatre. We launch our debut season in 2008.
* Screenwriting – I have a kick-ass script I’m working on. Its marketable, sellable, original and most important of all: its a really compelling story that I HAVE to tell. I love doing this.
* Playwriting – Still working on Bumble Bee. Lately I’ve been experimenting by writing it as a musical. This has taken both me and the articulation of the story in some very interesting directions.
* Relationship with God in the person of Jesus Christ, His Father and Spirit – This is really the most exciting and comforting part, and the foundation for everything else, and the source of peace during this time of storms. Sometime I get sucked into the waves, but for the most part I’m floating along peacefully in the eye of a hurricane.

I can see that, yes, their are horrendous winds on every side of me. If I’m foolish I can steer into them and get knocked around, and sometimes no matter what I do the calm disappears and the winds come and find me. But I’m learning to navigate this strange situation. There’s no land in sight, but I have a map. I know where safe harbor is, that I just have to wait until conditions clear up before I’ll feel the solid rock of land again. I’m not alone on this journey, I’m learning everyday, and most important, there’s a reason I’m on a boat out to sea in the first place. I trust in God’s promises to me, and I understand now is a time of testing in my life to show all, including myself, what it means to walk by faith. One thing it definitely doesn’t mean is being perfect. If I was perfect, I wouldn’t be here. It means to know what God has said He will do, and to trust in Him to do it, and not in anything else (like the junk mentioned earlier–that stuff is getting the old heave-ho over the side of the ship).
It means Authenticity.
It means chasing your dreams, not just having them–chasing until you lay hold of them or drown trying.

—————-
Now playing: Delirious? – White Ribbon Day
via FoxyTunes

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